Today I went to places I use to go to before I lost myself in the world. I found my legs taking me to the pond as my tears fell from my cheeks and I just sat there crying, choking in pain of untold stories. I have never been so disappointed or felt so helpless for myself in my life. Its noticeable. Through conversations I get the “I’ll call you later” and “why aren’t you laughing.”
My lack of conversations are reflecting on my grades. Going away to college is going to ruin you or that boy is going to distract you and soon I will prove everyone right. But I do not want those things to be true because I am better than that. But honestly, I think I just reflect too much on the negatives because I want everything to be perfect and perfection does not exist and it never will. Perfection is the definition of realities that only exist in daydreams.
I am starting to learn that B’s are acceptable and I should definitely try harder but not beat myself up about it. And a B could be a grade A accomplishment if a B was my goal. I am starting to learn that I need to appreciate the good and understand relationships are about compromise. I know he wants to give me the world, but he must give himself the world first and frankly, I need to find the world for me. I have to learn to accept myself and then maybe accepting the way people react to me will not be difficult.
I am starting to understand that the world is too complex to look at it so simply. Right and wrong are just misconceptions that we use to justify behaviors we cannot understand, kind of like black and white. How many times have we referred to these shades as colors. People may just say, the world is what it is. In reality, the world is what we make it. Look around. How many things can you identify as an invention humans have built? I look at myself and realize I am not just black and white. I am all shades in between and all colors that exist. I am not to be defined so why am I so wrapped up in my identity?
Today I went to places I use to go to before I lost myself in the world and found the world in me, filled with shades, colors, and complexities.