Have you ever slept too much your eyes hurt? Well, this is not one of those times. My eyes hurt because of the vagueness that I am seeing in my relationship. It is hard to ask for something and not get it four months later. It is hard to be with a person and still not know everything in their life. It is hard to try to understand things that go on in their life when they have not even told you. It is harder to understand someone who only sees the now when you see ten years down the line.
Yet, he says he pictures us together, a family in a two bedroom apartment within the bedford neighborhood where on one side is the water with the landscape of the city and on the other side are the thrift shops and cute cafes that will later be saturated with our future memories. And I can see it too and that is the worse part. We are only eighteen and to think I have found the perfect man seems absurd. But he is everything I asked for, he is deeper than most people see him and more intelligent than he knows. He has amazing theories about life. The most special part about it is when we are together, he aims to kiss my forehead or my cheek. But lately he does not reach out his hand to hold mine, he does not think about my happiness before his own. He has times when he gets sidetrack and I feel like I am an asset to his life he has forgotten. It has not been just me and him for a while, its been me, him, and video games. The ones he gets lost in with the memories of when we use to lay in separate beds miles away from each other, but still feel as if we were right next to each other. We use to talk about our futures and our past and everything in between. We use to reply back within seconds, he use to tell me his life and it was not like trying to sustain the life of a fish out of water.
I just want to know his thoughts and opinions and how he actually feels. They say actions speak louder than words, but what happens when both are saying the same thing and you are trying not think about them too much. I know I am cared for and I know I am loved but that does not always show. I want a phone call without having to complain about it, I want him to ask me for my fee time so we can Skype. I want him to come surprise me at my school. In all honesty, a lot of the things I use to do as a cute girlfriend, I do not do anymore because it is just scary to put myself out there and have him respond with just a kiss face emoji or an I love you that seems force. I do not see how he wants to spend forever with me when I do not want to spend forever with myself. I do not want to be this person forever, I want to evolve as time goes and I do not know I will be able to do that when I have someone accountable of what I use to be. I want to dance, not with anyone in particular, just dance. He does not like to and that is really hard for me. Dancing is the only unexplainable thing that makes me feel pure, happy.
I sent him a long paragraph this morning, but I am sure he is only going to reply with a sentence. And when he does I will send him this so that he may reply with a sentence as well. I just do not understand what went wrong. I do not understand how he could be content with just texting and nothing else. It makes me wonder if I am really that important to him or just some time to pass by. I am scared to leave because I know I will never find anyone who supports me like he does in everything I do. I am scared to leave because I do not want to realize the wonderful man I have after I lost him. I am scared to leave because he might be the only person to actually understand me. I am scared to stay because it may all be a lie. I am scared to stay because at times when he says I love you I can smell the roses through his text but I do not feel his heart in sync with mine. I am scared to stay because one day if he ever does leave I will remain so heart broken it will be hard to put my heart back together again. You see, my heart is like a glass cup, once it breaks it is difficult to find the small pieces. All you find are the bigger pieces. Everyone knows the cup can never really be complete without the small pieces that you have lost forever.
To come to conclusion… there is none. I know that if he did cute little things to show his appreciation, called, and Skype, that I will be in the perfect relationship. But, right now it seems as if I’m giving and he’s taking. I am reaching out my hand to trap something, but come out empty each time. I want to be known as valuable because I am an amazing woman. I need to be known as one.