Tattoo My Body

I want to tattoo my body with everything but ink

I want parts of my body to resemble an experience

One that my body will never forget even when my mind is lost

I want to be 80 and look at a scar in the middle of my leg right under my knee and think of the time that my leg got caught in the front wheel of a bike

Or just invent a story close enough so that I can assure myself even after life has twisted and turned my point of view

I can still imagine

I want to tattoo my body with everything but ink

I want parts of my body to scream hurt and other parts to whisper happiness

So that when I can no longer see, I am able to hear what I have been through

Later, I will notice the voice to be my own

As we recognize how lucky we are to be alive

I want to tattoo my body with truth

I want parts of my body to flinch with the presence of someones hand

So that they know it’s sacred and its a present they can never give back

I want to tattoo my body with words I wish to never forget

Like happiness is a choice, beauty is within, and wisdom is everywhere

I want to acknowledge the small experiences that make the world go round

Like the way all humans experience hurt but we often feel alone because we condemn talking about it

I want to tattoo my body with names of all those who made me

I want to remember my mother who gives up her last bill to pleasure me

My dad who works 24/7 to support everyone but himself

My sister who reminds me how big her heart is every time she looks at her daughter

My brother who always ask me if I am okay even when he is not

My cousins who always show me a good time and are a hundred percent supportive

My teachers for believing in me and making me believe in myself

And my friends for reminding me that there are bigger problems aside from our first world issues like not knowing which outfit looks best

I want to tattoo my body with my life

So I may never forget

I want to use ink so that everyone could remember, I am human too

And when I am in my casket, since I know no one will grant me the pleasure of burning my soul and throwing it into the ocean so I can at last be free

I want the little creatures to eat every scar, scream, whisper, laughter, name, hurt, and wisdom

So that when they too die

They can remember

We once existed together

Calling me a Crybaby

I have always struggled, maybe a little bit too much, to accept who I am. I have always cared about what people thought of me. I remember crying when I was little because I was called a crybaby. And it was true, I did cry a lot, but I did not know how else to express my feelings. Arguably, I still do not know how to verbally express how I feel.

Looking back now I realize that I was just always way too in tune with my feelings. Or maybe not way too in tune, but definitely more than those who were next to me. The term I use now is emotional. There have been times where I think I am way to emotional, which usually results in me turning to Google and taking bipolar and clinical depression quizzes. I suddenly stop and tell myself, its okay to feel. Why not? At least you are connected with your self.

Through analyzing every emotion I am able to know how a situation may affect the way I feel and why. If I am close to the person I usually give them a heads up so that they will not be surprise when little things drastically change my mood. Sometimes, people I do not know well say triggering words that automatically change my mood no matter how happy I was the second before that word. And of course one of those words is crybaby. Coming into college and being vulnerable in my English class led people to refer to me as a crybaby. And of course I was hurt. Not only because of the past, but because I rarely open up and I was completely vulnerable with my peers. I felt that it was not respected or appreciated. I struggled to tell people not to call me that after being very emotional in my English class because I feared that they would ask for the story behind that triggering word. However, after I did tell my friends I was very satisfied and they really do listen. They completely understood and have yet to call me by that term or even say it around me.

It is extremely hard for me to open up because I care so much what people think of me. But I am so glad I opened up to my friends and I saw just how much they cared. I can understand how frustrating it is to see someone bothered either in tears or by their attitude and have them say that everything is fine. It happens all the time when I see my mom upset. It’s rare that some one actually knows why I am crying, mostly because my replies are “Nothing” or “I don’t want to talk about it.” It is never that I don’t want to talk about it, I always want to talk about it actually. The truth is I cannot bring myself to formulate words because of memories of my emotions being shut down by people calling me a crybaby or someone thinking that what I am crying over is no big deal.

Got to excited and forgot to press the respond button. Original Title: What does it say.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “ROY G. BIV.”

rainbow post

This is a photo I found on google for this post and I absolutely fell in love because it is so beautiful.

I wanted to do a post in a way where I would use each color of the rainbow to represent the people that I love and have impacted my life. Then I realized there are not enough colors in the rainbow to represent everyone in my life who means something to me.

I usually dislike flowers and do not see why they are used as a nice gesture to signify love or compassion. However now I could create my own reasoning. Flowers are beautiful and smell really nice, but after some time it starts to die. Much like clouds who take in so much, but when they are ready to explode, they do. They are not afraid to pour on us. Of course the flower could grow again and the sun will shine, but it takes a whole lot of watering, vitamins, right amount of sunlight and shade to grow again. Or hours of rain and annoyingly covering yourself with an umbrella, but then you are satisfied and forget about all of your troubles as soon as the excitement of seeing a rainbow kicks in. Exactly like love. Love takes some time to grow into a beautiful moment in life and then it starts to die. It takes those in the relationship to find ways to rebuild their love again. Maybe they will think back to older experiences together and try and relive those experiences to water the love that was once there. Or maybe they will communicate their difference to find solutions to rebuild and bloom their love again like vitamins do to flowers. But most importantly they will have to learn when to stay in the shine and when its enough and they need some shade. A wise person once told me, not all battles need to be fought. You need to find the right little things to fight over. The ones that are worth it. (https://stormy1218.wordpress.com/)

Lately I have been seeing my parents interact and display their love more frequently and I love seeing that. They are my rose. Of course they have plenty of thorns, but none that are not worth working on. The colors of the rainbow are emotions that i see my parents go through.

Purple– For the peace they find through each other even through heated arguments which are usually my mom yelling and my dad agreeing with everything she says.

Blue– For the freedom to be themselves around each other. Which usually is my mom sitting on the couch cursing at the level she cannot pass in a knock off candy crush and my dad listening to Mariachi. Although they are doing complete different things they are completely free (of judgement) with each other.

Green– For the growth in their relationship. Like the stems that pass along the water needed for the beautiful pedals to grow. My siblings and I are the pedals that count on them for all the water that we need to become successful in life.

Yellow– For the brightness that I see when I look into their eyes. I could see the reflection of the entire world in their pupil as I look at a reflection of their children and grandchildren. We are their world.

Orange– For the fiery amber that lights up the room known as their kindness. Of course people are bound to talk, but I know that it will be hard for people to believe anything negative because of how noble they are.

Red- For their passion for life and living. And their ambitious dreams that they live vicariously through their children. Each success a reason why coming to the United States was worth it. Their American dream is their children obtaining the American dream.

My parents are my rose and it is often times difficult, but it is a love that I will always try to grow. When all else fails, I know their love will not. And for that I am forever grateful. They are absolutely amazing.

Look at the rose again and let it speak to you. What does it say?

Falling in love

I was in my room thinking of scenarios that might happen if I ever go on Ellen’s talk show. I suddenly found myself talking about my favorite book The Alchemist. If you have not read it, OMG YOU SHOULD. It is soooooo good and soooo inspirational. It may be one of the few books I read and reread for the rest of my life because I believe that each time I will find a different lesson or pick up on an inspirational line or story that I missed before.

However, thinking about The Alchemist made me think about my graduation speech. Graduation was a huge deal for me and I worked incredibly hard to be where I was that day. I remember reading a letter I wrote to myself freshman year as part of the an English assignment where I wrote, “If you are not valedictorian, I will be very disappointed.” Its a good thing I did not disappoint myself. Standing on that stage made everything worth it. From arguing with my mom that I got home late (9:00pm) to people questioning if I am really at school for all those hours to sleeping at 12:00am and waking up at 4:00am to finish work and lastly struggling with my worth as a person in this world.

I wanted to share my speech with you guys because of the proud moment I had in my life. I hope it inspires you just a little bit to continue to pursue your passion because it does for me every time that I read it.

Good afternoon and thank you to Nigel, Mr,Johnson faculty, students, parents, family and friends,  for coming to support and celebrate our futures today.

I would like to start by talking about one of the most important things I learned in high school, Falling in love. This may sound crazy but I assure you it is not crazy at all. Falling in love is hard work but it is amazing and worth it. Through out my four years I fell in love with a lot of things. Things as simple as pizza or clothes or as complicated as writing and striving to be an inspiration. But what I fell most in love with were the people who taught me how to love the simple and complicated things in life.

I fell in love with my friends every single one of them, but you see you cannot love, you cannot learn to love without experiencing hardships first. And boy did we see a lot. From not believing in marriage, to brothers going to army, to fathers moving out, through battles of cancer, depression,  from mothers being around 24/7 to rarely at all, brick walls built around customs about sexuality. It was all there through sleepless nights and wakeless days, only seen as sensitive to those who did not know of the powerful and tough topics we spoke about. Our hardships were what made us strong although in our younger days we were taught that struggle is weakness.But together we were allowed to be vulnerable and with that we became brave souls.

I fell in love with my teachers, who taught me a world I was unknown to.  Things such as its okay not to be okay, it is human nature to fail and fine to do so as long as you try again. They taught me that my weaknesses were really my strengths, weaknesses such as staying late after school, not getting things right the first time, identifying who I was and was not. My teachers are life coaches and mentors who taught me that I have a lot to work on as I show them I am willing to continue to progress.

I fell in love with my parents who never showed me weakness. Never showed me that there were bills that needed to be paid for. When I was old enough to understand and saw how things had to change I noticed that things were not okay. Despite my parents struggles, it has never felt that way. Never did I feel as if I was missing something because my parents gave me everything. I fell in love with my siblings and cousins who always gave me advice and supported my decisions, and despite all else always showed me they loved me.

I fell in love with myself for molding who I wanted to be even if it defied the rules of being a traditional Dominican girl. Regardless of all the laughter and critics I stuck to softball for three years. Regardless of sticking with the safe job, a teacher, I decided to go with the risky job and will be studying creative writing.I learned that my life goal is to write so that I acknowledge everyday heros. I fell in love with myself because I learned in my four years that I must love myself first in order to love anybody else.

Class of 2014 we made it. Now we are on our way to our future, to mold ourselves into the people that we always aspired to be.

For the next four years fall in love with yourself. Decide for yourself what and who you want to believe in.

Fall in love with your future. Have your set goals and go for them. Do not make a back up plan or allow a no. The world will make space for you as long as you are committed to your passion. When you think back to this speech, if you ever, remember I never once mentioned it was easy. But in those rough times think of these eight lessons eight hearts taught me.

  1. Never let a someone determine who you are supposed to be
  2. Know your limits. Do not say yes when you need to say no
  3. Do not underestimate the people around you
  4. Do not judge. You never know someones full story
  5. Do not ever let someone tell you you are not good enough
  6. Proving and deciding who you are is difficult
  7. Do not ever hold your tongue on true feelings because it ends up hurting you
  8. Do something you love just because you do

It will be hard but remember class of 2014 you are ready. Ready to put up with all the world pushes against you remembering that the world is only testing you to prove just how bad you want it. Just like santiago in The Alchemist who fought his way from spain to the pyramids in Egypt looking for his treasure, only to realize that it was right where he started. In that abandoned church. But even standing in the same old abandoned church after the journey his view was different. He no longer saw the teared down ceiling or broken stones, he saw the treasure that laid right under your feet waiting for him to take it.
So Good luck class of 2014, remember to fall in love and find your treasure.                  Thank you!

What does it say?

The Daily Post

Roy G. Biv

“Whether you opt for a single photo or seven, we want to see all the colors of the rainbow.”

rainbow post

This is a photo I found on google for this post and I absolutely fell in love because it is so beautiful.

I wanted to do a post in a way where I would use each color of the rainbow to represent the people that I love and have impacted my life. Then I realized there are not enough colors in the rainbow to represent everyone in my life who means something to me.

I usually dislike flowers and do not see why they are used as a nice gesture to signify love or compassion. However now I could create my own reasoning. Flowers are beautiful and smell really nice, but after some time it starts to die. Much like clouds who take in so much, but when they are ready to explode, they do. They are not afraid to pour on us. Of course the flower could grow again and the sun will shine, but it takes a whole lot of watering, vitamins, right amount of sunlight and shade to grow again. Or hours of rain and annoyingly covering yourself with an umbrella, but then you are satisfied and forget about all of your troubles as soon as the excitement of seeing a rainbow kicks in. Exactly like love. Love takes some time to grow into a beautiful moment in life and then it starts to die. It takes those in the relationship to find ways to rebuild their love again. Maybe they will think back to older experiences together and try and relive those experiences to water the love that was once there. Or maybe they will communicate their difference to find solutions to rebuild and bloom their love again like vitamins do to flowers. But most importantly they will have to learn when to stay in the shine and when its enough and they need some shade. A wise person once told me, not all battles need to be fought. You need to find the right little things to fight over. The ones that are worth it. (https://stormy1218.wordpress.com/)

Lately I have been seeing my parents interact and display their love more frequently and I love seeing that. They are my rose. Of course they have plenty of thorns, but none that are not worth working on. The colors of the rainbow are emotions that i see my parents go through.

Purple– For the peace they find through each other even through heated arguments which are usually my mom yelling and my dad agreeing with everything she says.

Blue– For the freedom to be themselves around each other. Which usually is my mom sitting on the couch cursing at the level she cannot pass in a knock off candy crush and my dad listening to Mariachi. Although they are doing complete different things they are completely free (of judgement) with each other.

Green– For the growth in their relationship. Like the stems that pass along the water needed for the beautiful pedals to grow. My siblings and I are the pedals that count on them for all the water that we need to become successful in life.

Yellow– For the brightness that I see when I look into their eyes. I could see the reflection of the entire world in their pupil as I look at a reflection of their children and grandchildren. We are their world.

Orange– For the fiery amber that lights up the room known as their kindness. Of course people are bound to talk, but I know that it will be hard for people to believe anything negative because of how noble they are.

Red- For their passion for life and living. And their ambitious dreams that they live vicariously through their children. Each success a reason why coming to the United States was worth it. Their American dream is their children obtaining the American dream.

My parents are my rose and it is often times difficult, but it is a love that I will always try to grow. When all else fails, I know their love will not. And for that I am forever grateful. They are absolutely amazing.

Look at the rose again and let it speak to you. What does it say?

Blogs… A reminder of something I almost forgot

I love learning about the lives of people and their journey and there is no better way then through a story. There have been a couple of stories that I have really fallen in love with because a resonate with them so well. Each of these pieces have touched my heart and explored a memory that I almost forgot.

Here they are! They are great pieces but also great  bloggers. Each of these individuals have encourage me to continue writing and I am so glad to be part of this writing community with them. So I just want to say a big thank you to them for that!!

I hope you guys enjoy these pieces as much as I did and it sparks something inside of you that you almost forgot you had like these post did to me.

Links!!

https://stormy1218.wordpress.com/2015/03/19/missing-you-grandpa-select-a-set/

http://souldiergirl.com/2015/06/02/oh-my-ballerina/

http://karlaperry.com/2015/06/09/overcoming-strongholds-the-path-to-freedom/comment-page-1/

Happiness is my choice

The shmoney dance — 🙆🙅🙇 because I am out of my funk !!!!!! I think it’s been longer then usual but then again maybe it just feels that way when I’m in it. At the end of the day I just needed someone to be there for me and not ask me any questions of what was going on (because in the funk I never know what is actually wrong I just know that even though everything is right, it still feels wrong), but to tell me life is to short and I am too young to not enjoy it. And today that was my dad with his warm hugs and kisses and rough hands to wipe away my tears.

During the funk I usually am not aware of my worth and say things that I would not say out of it, but I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. I am just so glad to feel like myself again.

It currently feels like I am in a world full of rainbows, 100 lbs have been knocked off my shoulder and I have everything to better grateful for. And it feels like this because it is a reality. My heart is smiling !! I’m so happy to be back again and I’m sure my parents are also happy that I’m back, especially since the entire time they were blaming themselves and wondering what more they could do to make me happy again. Turns out all I needed was sometime to myself on the beach and someone to tell me life is too short. Happiness is my choice.

This summer

I constantly struggle to get this feeling to go away every time that it comes around. It always seems to happen whenever things are at it’s worse. Just recently I found put my uncle believes that someone “el rubio” is following him and observing everything that he does. At first I was laughing. Seconds later I overheard that  his wife had called and I realized that it was not a laughing matter.  She never talks to us. A little after that I put two and two together and noticed that he use to call his father (who died in 2009) rubio. A day or two later I found out that he was really skinny and was banging his head on the wall.

And my mood just starting to drown. That same day my dad came home intoxicated and I knew that was a bad sign. My dad’s life was always tough but I knew that when he drank it was at it’s worse. And my mom was not helping complaining every two seconds, that may have actually been a contributer to his intoxication. They were rarely affectionate towards each other, barely even looking at each other, and she seemed to blame him for more things than he did. Don’t get me wrong, she has a lot to be upset at but none of it has to do with my dad. Most of it has to do with working to hard and not being able to be the same woman she was in New York… independent. She no longer cares for her hair, wardrobe, or nails. And that really hurts because she always taught me to do my nails, fix my hair, and always look nice. I mean my wardrobe could not consist of any flip flops. I see her losing herself everyday vividly.

Through snapchat I see all the fun my friends are having together, and that has to be the hardest thing this summer. Because I think every time I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to catch up with everybody numerous amount of times. But of course distance changes every relationship but my friends and I got use to it since we all went to different colleges. However, new relationships and recent distances make it difficult. I try to play it off like I dont care about the long replies or how sentences now are ten times shorter then they use to be, but i understand people have other things to enjoy.  At times I feel things are different and they usually are after people get to know me. I never know what it is, maybe they don’t see me the same anymore. And that’s the hardest part. I rather pull myself away before more emotions start to build up and I become the nagger  in myself that I don’t like.

It sucks I sacrificed my entire summer for my parents and it hurts everyday. But I rather feel hurt in the way that I wish I was someone else than in the way I would if something happened to my parents and I wouldn’t have this summer to reflect on it. So I am trying to make the best out of it.  I try not to complain because my parents sacrificed their whole entire lives for me, the least I could so is be here this summer.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I never say the words I should say. Instead I expect my actions to tell you everything that I am thinking. I learned that from you. Words were not unnecessary for us growing up. The only issue is that people constantly misinterpret things and it is better to express feelings than to expect the other person to assume how we feel based on our actions. ‘Till this day I still struggle to share a lot of my feelings. I either feel that people should understand by my actions or no words could explain my feelings so why even try.

When we were younger, you were hardly home. I rarely saw you with your 12 to 14 hours work shifts. I never understood why I always had to wait for you to buy me something even with your long work hours. I hated seeing fathers at parent teacher conferences, birthday parties, graduations, and award ceremonies. I remember you leaving early on my eighth grade graduation because you had to work. I remember my sixteenth birthday when you spelt my name completely wrong.

However, I have grown. And although the memories are the same my perspective are different.

When we were younger, you were never home. Turns out you were busy trying to make ends meet so that we would not get evicted. I understand now that supporting 8 people is not as easy as you made it look, always with a smiling no matter how much you were drowning in dept. I just wish I could thank you for never saying no to anything that I wanted, even if you had to struggle for days or weeks in order to save up the money to get me all the items I could have lived without. See when you moved out I was not prepared. I mean how could I be you told me you were moving from New York to Florida hours before you left. It still hurts me today, actually it hurts even more now because of how selfish I was. Turns out you did not know you were leaving till a few hours before you left either. You made that decision based on a dispute you had with your brother that no one will ever know about because you are too modest to ever speak about someone in the way you probably need to in order to explain the situations. Or maybe you are like me and cannot find the words to express the pain you feel. (Maybe you could write him a letter too)…Although you missed my eighth graduation, I will never forget how you worked so hard to fly out and surprised me for my high school graduation despite the fact that it was one of the hardest times you had since you moved out to Florida a year and a half prior. That meant the world to me because I knew of the risk you took and you were still there!! I want to thank you for spelling my name wrong on the sixteenth birthday cake, because it was your personality in a nutshell and I learned to respect that. What I once looked upon as uneducated is now a reflection of your honest. You did not remember how mom spelled it, SO WHAT??? Its the only thing I remember from that day and I will always remember that.

I am so thankful for you and everything you go through everyday in order to keep us okay in this very expensive cycle we call life. I wish we didn’t have that action type relationship because there is so much I want to say. Paragraphs and words that cannot be expressed through actions. No action could ever amount to show you how much I appreciate you. I know school and my successes satisfies you because you look at me and see hope for the future. But there so much more you need to hear that the words on a diploma cannot say.  There is no action that I could do to express how much you mean to me my

Dear Dad.

Cocoon to my Butterfly

Going back through comments and likes and old post I realized how much I didn’t realize the connections I was making with you guys. There were so many successes throughout the year before and I did not pay as much attention to it as I should have. I am so sorry. Sometimes it takes hardships to realize success.

When I stopped writing I believed that I was a failure and unable to connect with people in the way I wanted to, but going back now that was a complete lie. I was in a slump that many people in my life probably did not notice. I share most of my feelings through writing and my writing is usually private, so how would anyone notice? Writing is where I release all my secrets and darkest feelings because I know people like you guys would listen when I believed no one else would. But somewhere between wanting to be great and feeling like I was not good enough I lost my courage to write. Which, undoubtedly was the only courage that I have.

Even sadder, it was not until recently, like twenty minutes ago, that I realized just how much I missed writing and how many feelings I did not allow myself to explore because I was not sharing them. In the process of losing writing, I lost myself and slowly but surely became a girl I did not know living in my own skin. And surely enough that led me to being in the same spot as I was years ago. Living a lie in my own reality.

Through writing again, I am relearning who I am. And that is one of the greatest values of writing. Writing allows me to break free in the skin that was once a cocoon to the butterfly I can be.