The Summer My Life Starts

I sat in between yesterdays and tomorrows saturated in what could’ve been and what never was. I sat in between the you I thought you were and the me I lost while I was with you. I lost my ambitions, writing became hobby and no longer my voice. What became of my voices was a black hole swallowed by white noise. My opinions laid on a cloud I watched float away. I lost everything I was with you and couldn’t find her no matter how many times we sat and talked about it. But on the day I pushed you away for the seventh time and you were with her,   I realized I could never lose you, you were never mine. But I always yours.

I sat in between who she is and who she was , trying to find myself in bed sheets, empty conversations, and train stations where I watched the clock for your arrival.  I guess she stayed where I should have left. In beneath the conversation of the weekend “nothing happened with her.” It was hilarious  how everyone was in your room while she was there and I always stayed behind closed doors.  We were the big dipper, only easy to recognize at night if you were actually looking for it.

I sat in between being good but not enough. Where you held my hand in the world and watched it as if you had a birds eye view, making sure no one saw us. Where I was not good enough to be exposed to the world but a day after we broke up she was holding your phone advertising your engagement of time spent together. How when speaking about her flirtatious comments underneath every single picture it was “thats for the birds and I see a future with you.” How you were the one that mentioned children with me. How you always introduced me to the past of your life and talked about sacred stories you said you never told anyone. Or how I would say something and you would ask me if you ever told me that before because my words and your stories fell  in line so perfectly. I sat in between nights waiting for your text and knowing you were with her and not saying anything.My mouth duck taped with uncertainties of you I could never prove true.

I sat in between thunderstorms and rainbows waiting to see if the rain would drown me, if the loud noise would make me death, and if the brightness of colors would blind me. And it did. My brain was wrapped in the sunflower you sucked the pollen off of so that you could eat. While I laid weaker and the brightness of my yellow dimmed a little. The pedal closest to the stem where our extra seeds lay fell in three strokes and I watched it as you laid buzzing beside me.  The pollen you took were in your hands and you took it off with a pink towel.

I sat in between rough ending and new beginnings. On the day we parted, my sunflower grew brighter while it rained and shined. The world gave me everything I needed at the same time and I knew the darkness was you. The me I left in your bedroom that November leaped into my arms and latched on to my soul. She told me that the beauty in all this is that we get to grow together again. And on that day the world opened up a life that I could have never imagined with him. One of endless possibilities and eliminated limitations. One where I could scream, “I am beautiful” and the world would say “Yes you are.” One where my sister texts me you are a priority not an option. Where friends share ways to make our lives full of adventures. Where cousins say Fuck him and  six year friendships say that we will explore singularity together and enjoy summer.

I sat in between people that understood me and realized that I  was never a black hole, a cloud, a big dipper, or a sunflower. I was a caterpillar, eating enough of life to get ready for the new stage. When my own body weight was too much to carry I slept on a tree upside down. My skin wrapped itself around me and the self doubt embodied was eliminated. After a complete evaluation, the green, and brown, and black became a soup of cells that were once my muscles, bones, and organs. The cells rearranged themselves and gave me antennas so that I am able to sense the world and embrace balance and orange, brown, white, and black wings that are stronger than any thunderstorm or rainbow.

And in this moment I knew this would be the greatest summer ever. The summer my life starts.



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