I wanted to tell you this but I didn’t know where to start. So I decided to begin where we last left off or where we leave off every single time. I wanted to tell you this but I didn’t know where it would end, or if I would say something in the middle that didn’t start off how I wanted it to and end in a way I was never expecting. I wanted to tell you this but the air in my lungs stopped moving and the wind froze. I was standing there in between fog and raindrops hoping you wouldn’t notice. Anticipating that the fog would hide my weariness, but like headlights, it seemed like I was the only thing you could really see, even with blurred vision. And I’m starting to think that I can be invisible and you will find a way to see me. I wanted to tell you, but as it turned out, it felt better, safer, wiser, and more permanent writing.
I love That I could sit beside you and not question it. That I could ask you to places and accept your no without questioning it. That I could kiss you and not question it.
I love that I could love you and not question it. That I could believe in us and not question it.
Every time you leave I am overwhelmed. Wishing and hoping you will stay forever but knowing its our circumstances. Wanting to hold you in complete silence and at the same time sit across a table and just talk for hours. And I haven’t been able to balance so till then I should just explain.
I love the way you care for people. The way you are willing to travel hours to be there, stop what you are currently doing to be there, stop your opinions, thoughts, and perspective to be there. I love the heart wrenching feeling I get when I see you, I’m not sure if you could notice the way my face brightens up whenever I get to the basement and you are staring back at me asking me how I am and reassuring me of how high you are.
And this may pull you back a little and I don’t know how you are going to take it, but it feels right to say.
I love the way I never met your father but the stories you tell me make me feel like I have. And maybe that’s too far and maybe your not ready to hear that or you might think I have no right or authority to say that. But I could see the similarities that people see between you and your dad. When you smile, speak, or just stare I can see the still moments in you that I see in your stories when you speak about your dad. And I can see the way you think about him in the way you view yourself.
And I hope you see yourself in the way I see you. You’re not just pretty. You are beautiful, smart, bold, creative, thoughtful, caring, persistent, genuine, lovable, generous, sophisticated, and kind.