Deeper Than Semen

It started off with a no because I was skimming over who he was and decided I did not want to spend time with hurt again. But with his persistence and kind heart that quickly turned into a yes.  All of his friends knew about me. I was “Gawjust!” But I had just gotten out of a relationship and I didn’t know who I was and I wanted to find her. I wanted to be a woman and not the little girl I was with a little boy that couldn’t show he cared or his respect for me because of male societal norms.  And I was hurt, thinking I was destined to hurt again. Too nice for my own good.

I went to his room with my friend and saw him again, but actually for the first time. This time I was not trying to see pass him or avoid his face.  His smile assured me that I was not to be hurt or betrayed again. And after that he kept on trying and soon we turned into pick ups after my 2am shifts where I did not get back to my dorm until 5am or even later sometimes because the conversations were too well absorbed and we rather talk to each other than sleep.  We didn’t even care that our day started at 8:00am. I guess in that sense you could say reality was better than dreaming. And we turned into dates, mostly movies where we often thought the same things. Our minds are often too large for this close minded world. I could express all my conspiracies and see someone look back at me intrigued as if he finally could talk to someone who would understand his thoughts. I knew he understood me when he walked into my study room and gave me a recess. My favorite childhood chocolate. And well, thats when everything fell together.

We turned into long distance for a whole three months, where we talked some more. The cutest thing was when he called at any time without caring if I was awake or asleep. To me, it seemed like a leap of faith that maybe I would pick up and that chance meant everything. We turned into casual conversations about everything but ourselves, about our day and our goals in life, but never too much about the past. Because those were topics we weren’t ready to expose to each other. Maybe timidness looking at each other wondering who would walk away first because we believed our past was too horrid for the other one to know.

And then I finally got to see him, and his birthday present, he wore the same day. My heart smiled because I knew he loved it, maybe more so than the letter I wrote him. But then again, knowing him, probably not. We turned into sleep overs of long talks, hugs, and kisses. Always stopping right before he thought he might cross the line, and that meant everything. We laid on his bed, I was facing the wall, and he was facing me. He told me, “I hope you don’t get scared or walk away (or something close to that). I think I love you.” To which I replied, “I know that I love you.” And days after he asked and I said yes to oral sex and I felt that emotion for the first time. It was amazing to feel someone give me everything, expecting nothing in return. And he was shocked with the puddle I left behind, he was unaware he was the first. And thats when I learned that he would be the first of many things. And he was. And it was amazing, because I knew I waited for the right person and I know no matter what happens, I will never regret that moment. It was perfect. He was perfect.

The sleep overs became more frequent and sleeping naked with his arms around me became our almost daily routine. He kisses my forehead and my cheek, to which he would have to kiss the other so that my cheeks feel even. But that was just to hide my desire of his gentle soft lips on my face. And he would pull me in tighter and hold me closer and tell me that he loved me. We turned into late night hugs and morning breakfast.

My friends warned me that if anything happened I would think back and regret that I lost it to him, but I know I would regret that I lost him. I just hope I didn’t, and if I did, I hope he can look  at me and remember us or that he still reads my blogs and finds little pieces of himself that he left in me. You know, the pieces that fall deeper than semen.


4 thoughts on “Deeper Than Semen

  1. A Friend says:

    So beautiful. When your words have the power to wake someone up from the harsh reality they’ve envisioned as a sweet dream for the longest time, you know you’re an amazing writer. Thank you.


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