I found myself in a relationship that wasn’t really mine, we were floating in hopes of what could be, knowing that what could be had nothing to do with him and me but him and her. I was the secretary to the doctors office, you know the one that you have to see first before getting what you really are there for. I was a time block keeper as he awaited for the two of them to fall together again. And they did for one whole weekend where I was uninvited and completely ignored.
Right after, my hope accepted his answers and asked limited questions because I did not want him to think that I did not trust him but not voicing my feelings was creating the distrust. The Friday before I left I saw her name with a verification of who she was and two emojis, a heart and a moon. The two things that were special to our relationship. I was just a heart, a.k.a unknown, unidentifiable. We had a conversation about it and I pretended I was over it for an entire week. Speaking about the situation to an outsider made me realize how upset I was and how I didn’t deserve being treated the way I was treated. “I am too nice” they told me. But for now on I am done being too nice forever. I refuse to accept anymore bullshit. I think being lied to for an entire month and falling for a guy who had an entire relationship on the side, having a guy talk to three girls while we were together, having a guy talk to many girls and convince me I was crazy, threaten me, manipulate my mind, shake his hands in front of my face while he was upset, and having a guy sweep me off my feet by being the most amazing guy I ever met and then ruining it with the inclusion of his ex is enough bullshit and guy drama for a 19 year old. I have been fucked over too many times before even knowing who I am and I am not sure I’ll be able to find myself.
Other than this he is great. Loving and amazing. The thing is I matter too and if he really wanted something to happen with me he would try to fix it. And yeah he said that he was sorry and should have been more considerate of my feelings, but this week has not felt any better especially when messages are so limited.
The thing is this has happened with every guy that I have spoken to and the common denominator is me. It’s time for a change, I need to focus on me because I matter.
I am tired of settling for a guy. Of lowering my needs, wants and limiting my happiness for his. I am tired of needing to train a guy to respect as if he were a dog. I am tired of repeating myself and asking for the same things over and over. I am tired of waiting for someone to put me first.
I need to put me first. Because when I didn’t I found myself in a relationship that wasn’t really mine, we were floating in hopes of what could be, knowing that what could be had nothing to do with him and me but him and her.