I Did So

I hate being excited or too happy about something. It always leads to disappointments. Just recently, he asked me to show my emotions more because it will be appreciated. But that is so difficult for me. i do not want my feelings to be shattered into a million pieces that I will never be able to reassemble. So I hide them all away in a place where seeking is forbidden.

However, I allowed myself to try because well I really like him. Yesterday I got excited and created this feeling in my head about who we were and what were going to be like. But that ideal proved to not be realistic today. It started off with something along the lines of, I would hug you but you don’t like to show your emotions, so I’m not going to. To which I said, no you could hug me. Not as permission, but because I really wanted that hug. This week has been way too long and i have really been putting myself in uncomfortable positions of going out and making conversations and trying to connect with people. Which he knows I really don’t like. But besides that he asked me to show my emotions and I replied that I was going to try so why did he just say that?

Then he called me crazy, but it was okay because I’m cute. The same thing my ex said to me. And we all know that ended with me finding out he had many girls on the side and realizing he did not appreciate me. Now, this guy is not like that at all. He is thoughtful, romantic, nice, kind, caring, and intellectually interesting. What scares me is that I may have thought the same things with my ex, but I can’t remember. I could remember the feelings and it had NEVER EVER felt like this before (in a strong, good way).

Before I left he asked if I wanted to have dinner. to which I said yes and he told me he would figure something out.

As I was getting ready to leave to see him I could not have been more excited for it to be just like old times where we stay up late on days we have to wake up early and just think and talk about a universe of things. Then he said his room wasn’t ready, but I could come over anyways. It sounded unwelcoming so I asked are you sure and he asked me if I could come a little later despite him knowing that i was not going to sleep over because I had to wake up early the following day. And it was 10, his later is like 12 or 1.  I did not want to wait that long just for him to tell me never mind or fall asleep and not be able to text me, so I said no that I would see him tomorrow.

And of course! You guessed it. I fell into my old self, apologizing for what I said as if I did not mean it. The only thing is that he knows that I mean it and he is not “jacking” that. So being the person that he was I am sure he disregarded the message and is still annoyed about my previous message where it sounded like I was questioning him. Which I was not, I just had a feeling in my heart that although he wanted me there, today was not the day, but he did not know how to tell me that. I understand, everyone just moved in and they want to spend time together. Fine, but that should have been anticipated and I should have not gotten excited for something that did not exist for us in the near future.

After these series of events, whats the point of getting excited if I seem to fail with each excitement. And whats the point of  showing that if changes and rejection will just hurt more because I did so. I just do not want to put myself in those situations, but at the same time I want to show everything that I feel and think to him and not care of the outcome just because the moment is more important.

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