Emotions and Questions

When I get too attached to someone it seems that I start to ruin the relationship. It starts off with me being all casual and whatever with everything because I genuinely do not care. But the more I start caring, the more attached I get. Thats not an issue to me initially except for the fear of possibly caring too much and then being left. The issue comes with the other person (usually a guy I’m talking to) where it may seem like I am changing. Obviously I am, but it is never in a good way.

I start to gain certain expectations and because of that am disappointed more often. This results on expressing my feelings and completely blowing it out of proportion and making the person feeling like shit (or so i’ve heard). At the point I am now is usually where things go downhill and it feels like its starting. There has been rarely any texting the past couple of days and it honestly hurts. I mean sure I’ve been told the classic “but I think about you all day.” But maybe they aren’t thinking hard enough to text back.

I don’t know. But I really hate to be in this stage of my feelings where I am caring too much and not showing any of it. I leave people confused. It is also the stage where nothing makes sense and I do not understand. And instead of my feelings starting an emotional touching conversation, it turns into an argument and I get an attitude that I push onto the other person simply because I do not understand my own feelings. This is the stage where my heart starts to ask for too much attention and the way its executed usually ends with the guy giving me less attention then he ever had.

Sometimes I think its best to stay cold hearted, but at the same time it hurts to deprive myself of feelings. How can I live without feeling just to have the relationship that I want? Is the relationship and amount of attention worth acting like I do not care in order to get it? Or should someone appreciate how much I care in order to provide me with the attention that I seek? Do I ask for to much? Do I not yet understand how I am in a relationship or anything close to intimate? Will i ever? Will it be smart to let go in order to get myself together and have a better relationship in the future? Is that just ruining everything?


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