It Will Be Difficult

I hate myself every time I let some one walk all over my feelimgs. I hate how I always feel like I have to silence my thoughts and emotions to make other people feel better.  Why can’t I ever allow my emotions to just be ? Why do I have to put everyone emotions before my own ?

Although I have silenced my emotions never have I experience someone telling me to shush because I was too loud. I get that it’s ten at night on a Tuesday but I definitely  was not loud enough for anyone outside the house to hear me. Why did I yell? Because my mom tried to smell dirty clothes to see if they were dirty? Like really. If I say they are dirty than they are dirty. You do not need to smell them and they do not need to have a scent in order for me to say that it’s dirty. So I had a quick panick not only because she did that but because I always fear people smelling my clothes. It just creeps me out. So yeah I yelled a little bit but it wasn’t that loud. And two seconds later I said something else and my grandmother told me to be quiet because people were sleeping. No one in the other apartment is going to hear me and if they do, then we have to start making better houses.

I just hate when this happens because it reminds me of why I am silenced in the first place. And these setbacks always hit that nerve in my heart that is wrapped around with the caution sign but instead of saying do not cross next to it, it says cry baby trigger. Two words that cut me open like the first piece of birthday cake. Every one gets the piece and the birthday girl is left with the last piece (worse piece) or none at all. Maybe that’s why I hate my birthday so much. It seems everyone is having a better time than you are because you have to take care of everyone else whose at your party and make sure they have a good time. Sort of like now. I have to silence how I feel so that others will not be upset or mad.

Now it’s time to act like the situation did not hurt me at all. So while I sit down in the  dark bathroom facing the tub with my back against the wall playing Sam Smith, I shall walk out of here with a smile on my face like I didn’t spend the last ten minutes wiping my face full of tears.

More than any other time, I have to suck it up. It’s my last night here. I rather regret not saying how I feel than regret not smiling with my parents and letting one moment ruin my entire last day. But it will be difficult.


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