He told me that I never really loved him after I mentioned that I was talking to someone a week after our break up. He believed that if I really loved him, if I was in love with him… I would not be able to move on so quickly. His sent, touch, and sense of humor should have become my shadow for the next couple of weeks. The shadow should have been a reminder of our loss as I see myself wearing all black lying on the floor while looking down to remember what shoes I was wearing.
“You never really loved me!” he repeats. I was too busy trying to let the words sink in as I was drowning in the sentence I never imagined him say. I tried to justify my actions by saying that if I did not love him because I was talking to someone after we broke up, then he never loved me, not even during our “exclusive” relationship.
But he was right. If I really loved him I would have not been so quick to move on regardless of what he did. I would be mourning over the loss of our love before I could look at any other guy and interpret his name as potential.
Of course he would get upset and say that I was always flipping the argument back to his mistakes and straying away from my own. But he was very much a hypocrite. He would tell me things that I should not do without even realizing that what he is telling me not to do was the same thing we were arguing about the day before because he was doing them. To where he would say “Its not what it looks like.” Or “It’s not a big deal.”
However, I realize now, I too was a hypocrite. I once asked him to show me his call log because I did not believe he was talking to his mom and then claimed I trusted him two minutes later. Maybe I never really did love him, but that had every thing to do with lack of trust. If I would have trusted him then we could have been together for years. But I cannot trust blindly either. Maybe, we could have been perfect if we would have met at a later time in life, but we did not. And that timing was key to why we did not belong together.
I guess if you ever ask either one of us what love existed between us, we might reply “No love, idealistic love, type love.”