I constantly struggle to get this feeling to go away every time that it comes around. It always seems to happen whenever things are at it’s worse. Just recently I found put my uncle believes that someone “el rubio” is following him and observing everything that he does. At first I was laughing. Seconds later I overheard that his wife had called and I realized that it was not a laughing matter. She never talks to us. A little after that I put two and two together and noticed that he use to call his father (who died in 2009) rubio. A day or two later I found out that he was really skinny and was banging his head on the wall.
And my mood just starting to drown. That same day my dad came home intoxicated and I knew that was a bad sign. My dad’s life was always tough but I knew that when he drank it was at it’s worse. And my mom was not helping complaining every two seconds, that may have actually been a contributer to his intoxication. They were rarely affectionate towards each other, barely even looking at each other, and she seemed to blame him for more things than he did. Don’t get me wrong, she has a lot to be upset at but none of it has to do with my dad. Most of it has to do with working to hard and not being able to be the same woman she was in New York… independent. She no longer cares for her hair, wardrobe, or nails. And that really hurts because she always taught me to do my nails, fix my hair, and always look nice. I mean my wardrobe could not consist of any flip flops. I see her losing herself everyday vividly.
Through snapchat I see all the fun my friends are having together, and that has to be the hardest thing this summer. Because I think every time I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to catch up with everybody numerous amount of times. But of course distance changes every relationship but my friends and I got use to it since we all went to different colleges. However, new relationships and recent distances make it difficult. I try to play it off like I dont care about the long replies or how sentences now are ten times shorter then they use to be, but i understand people have other things to enjoy. At times I feel things are different and they usually are after people get to know me. I never know what it is, maybe they don’t see me the same anymore. And that’s the hardest part. I rather pull myself away before more emotions start to build up and I become the nagger in myself that I don’t like.
It sucks I sacrificed my entire summer for my parents and it hurts everyday. But I rather feel hurt in the way that I wish I was someone else than in the way I would if something happened to my parents and I wouldn’t have this summer to reflect on it. So I am trying to make the best out of it. I try not to complain because my parents sacrificed their whole entire lives for me, the least I could so is be here this summer.