I never say the words I should say. Instead I expect my actions to tell you everything that I am thinking. I learned that from you. Words were not unnecessary for us growing up. The only issue is that people constantly misinterpret things and it is better to express feelings than to expect the other person to assume how we feel based on our actions. ‘Till this day I still struggle to share a lot of my feelings. I either feel that people should understand by my actions or no words could explain my feelings so why even try.
When we were younger, you were hardly home. I rarely saw you with your 12 to 14 hours work shifts. I never understood why I always had to wait for you to buy me something even with your long work hours. I hated seeing fathers at parent teacher conferences, birthday parties, graduations, and award ceremonies. I remember you leaving early on my eighth grade graduation because you had to work. I remember my sixteenth birthday when you spelt my name completely wrong.
However, I have grown. And although the memories are the same my perspective are different.
When we were younger, you were never home. Turns out you were busy trying to make ends meet so that we would not get evicted. I understand now that supporting 8 people is not as easy as you made it look, always with a smiling no matter how much you were drowning in dept. I just wish I could thank you for never saying no to anything that I wanted, even if you had to struggle for days or weeks in order to save up the money to get me all the items I could have lived without. See when you moved out I was not prepared. I mean how could I be you told me you were moving from New York to Florida hours before you left. It still hurts me today, actually it hurts even more now because of how selfish I was. Turns out you did not know you were leaving till a few hours before you left either. You made that decision based on a dispute you had with your brother that no one will ever know about because you are too modest to ever speak about someone in the way you probably need to in order to explain the situations. Or maybe you are like me and cannot find the words to express the pain you feel. (Maybe you could write him a letter too)…Although you missed my eighth graduation, I will never forget how you worked so hard to fly out and surprised me for my high school graduation despite the fact that it was one of the hardest times you had since you moved out to Florida a year and a half prior. That meant the world to me because I knew of the risk you took and you were still there!! I want to thank you for spelling my name wrong on the sixteenth birthday cake, because it was your personality in a nutshell and I learned to respect that. What I once looked upon as uneducated is now a reflection of your honest. You did not remember how mom spelled it, SO WHAT??? Its the only thing I remember from that day and I will always remember that.
I am so thankful for you and everything you go through everyday in order to keep us okay in this very expensive cycle we call life. I wish we didn’t have that action type relationship because there is so much I want to say. Paragraphs and words that cannot be expressed through actions. No action could ever amount to show you how much I appreciate you. I know school and my successes satisfies you because you look at me and see hope for the future. But there so much more you need to hear that the words on a diploma cannot say. There is no action that I could do to express how much you mean to me my