I feel like I cannot write anymore. I feel that I have to go back and rewrite and edit everything that I want to say. And that is great because writing is a process except for the fact that I edit every single sentence before I even manage to place it on paper, or in this case, a computer.
Before, writing use to be a way to let out my feelings, to try and relate to others, to say all the words that I could not speak. Within my first year of college, writing became learning how to sound like everyone else in order to receive a good grade because my voice was not good enough academically. Which I completely understand, I am definitely grateful to learn about transitions and ways to make sentences sound better. But with all this academic work I lost my voice.
As a result, I do not know who I am as a writer anymore. That is part of the reason that I have not written as much as I wanted to. There have been so many times that I have something to say, but cannot find a way to write it. I will start a sentence and before it was even on the page I already mentally erased it. I will shut my computer off with anger and try writing in a notebook like the good old days, but that did not work either.
It has been so hard to just let go. I was brought up in schools where my voice mattered more heavily than everything else. But college is different. All the grammar and ideas perfectly articulated matters more heavily than my voice. In trying to focus on learning grammar and how to make my idea clear for someone else to understand got me to lose focus on identifying and including my voice. Since I strived to be a good writer academically I feel that I have failed to be a good writer creatively. And that has gotten me here. Wishing that I could find my voice again or at least let the words flow like they use to.