Suffocating Without the Honesty that Use to Be.

To be honest I do not have a working title. I don’t have a title at all. I am so tired of identifying myself through other people and always having to live up to who other people want me to be. Sometimes I just want to be mad and be rude to everyone, but I cannot. I know I am going to hurt them and i don’t want to. I am just so stressed. It sucks that I cant even write like I use to. I cannot even be honest in my writing because my brain is too busy trying to correct every single word I put down on paper to sound more “intelligent”. WHAT THE FUCK! I have lost my voice, I do not know who I am anymore, not like I ever did, but it was much more clear in writing. And now I can’t even do that. Nothing feels good enough anymore.

I want my writing to be good so bad, but instead I cannot even connect with what I wrote five minutes after I wrote it. I am always thinking too hard about what I am writing and not letting my emotions flow. It could be because I do not want to be a cry baby anymore, but being one does not seem to bad if that means I get to feel my emotions for at least five minutes of the day. Most times I am not in-tune with my feelings. I just walk around with emptiness. Most times I am not even thinking anything relevant, but when I do think of something to say. That is as close to honest as I could get, especially lately. College has ruined my identity as it tries to build up my presence to resemble white supremacy. I definitely do not see my reflection in the mirror anymore, but even worse, I no longer see my soul in my writing.

I wish my writing could just flow like it use to. Instead of having to think of the audience. And I am so sorry to those who read my blog before, I cannot promise you the same honesty that existed in my writing before college. You know, i never could see how people could start to lose their humbleness and roots when they achieved a higher ranking in life, but going to college opened my eyes. And boy is it difficult to remain authentic when you are living in a world where you are not good enough and you have to act like you think you are. Mostly so that you wont break or others wont see how your stones turn into straws that they could suck the blood out and leave you without oxygen. But it is hard to stop breathing for that long of time. I am suffocating trying to prove that I have a reason to survive.


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