Its been a while since I felt that I have had a safe place to write, and I still have not found that space. All of the pressures of society follow me everywhere I go and disturb my place of comfort. “You are too fat.” “You are too skinny.” “you are too quiet. “You don’t speak up enough.” “you are sweet and innocent.” “I expected better.” “You are…”
More likely than not, I am turned into a product of those surrounding me. The double consciousness that Dubois expressed lives inside me every single day, as heat is added to my identity the more it grows, like bacteria. One that does not die, but only continues to evolve like a flu. Every year I ingest a flu shot filled with confidence and courage to speak out, but the growing ignorance changes every year through various experience. “Wow, you are actually smart.” “I’m glad to have you in this class because you bring in a new perspective.” “You should speak up more, your experiences could be very valuable to the other students.”
No one knows how my blood bubbles as the words struggle to come out. Each syllable an eagle growing in my stomach as the crow is not too far behind, ready to kill words that resemble my truth. People tell me that it is not true through their expressions because of readings they have studied in a different class. Many fail to realize that my truth is not in the hands of the many you have read. My ears turn hot as the words I say are watered down by my red cheeks. And After the silence, the words that I should have said slides the quick sand I nicknames my heart. Lost and never to be found again, not even a little bit; no matter how many times another situation comes again it will never bring up the words I once wanted to say. They are lost with my identity as I see it transform into what others say of me.