It was never a goal of mine

It is hard to think that in my own house I am unknown. To think that all the people that I have grown up with have no idea of who I want to be, and most hurtful who I am. Now, I cant figure out if this is because I am always out or if I am always out because of it. 

“You are changing.” Are words I hear from everyone who once knew me. This is because everyone who once knew me were people who stepped all over me and bullied me (something I never talk about or even mention). You know whats the crazy part, these are the people I call family. 

No one seems to understand me, or simply want to. They do not understand that I am no longer willing to cultivate into their institution and traditions of a Dominican Household where without religion you are considered unworthy. Religion is an aspect of the culture that completes it all. If that is not something you are part of than they are not part of you. The role of women; one cannot speak up against anything a man says and must do all the cooking and cleaning. If a man is helping you do chores, than you as a woman are not completing your duties. 

And for all this I am wrong and have changed. I am terribly sorry that I don’t give a fuck. I have my own separate mind and do not need anyone to tell me that what I am doing is wrong, it is right until the day I am no longer passionate about it. I will be damned if I let my life be defined by a man. 

You can no longer walk all over me. I have my own set of opinions and I am proud. If I think something is wrong i will speak against it. Do not be surprised when I come back with tattoos and do not believe in religion. I am sorry that I have broaden my knowledge beyond your horizons. I am sorry that I do not know you, but I think I do. I need to know enough about you and everything else in order to decide to go against your regulations. I am sorry that I am not defined by religion or a man. I am sorry that I am not defined by your view of perfection, but being perfect was never a goal of mine. Learning and creating my own perspectives were. 

So yes I have changed. I’ll admit it. And all for the better.


2 thoughts on “It was never a goal of mine

  1. stormy1812 says:

    I hope you do not give up on faith all together because a few folks, even family members, have their own point of view on the matter. You certainly don’t have to be defined by it, but faith is good to have in one’s life. I totally agree that no one should be defined by one person (male or female). We define ourselves. Good for you for standing up for yourself. 🙂


    • jamerly says:

      Thank You. I try not be defined by it and because of that I am seen as wrong, but I do have faith in myself and at the end of the day that is all I really need.


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