The art of not knowing

Today I am lost. I do not know what to write about. I do not know what might get people to read my blog. I do not know whether I am good enough. I do not know what people might find interest with my life. I do not know whether I have lived enough to share anything. I do not know whether or not in this moment I am being vulnerable or realistic. I do not know.

Sometimes I think I know and realize I dont. I do not know what I truely believe in or whether I have faith. I do not know if I am helping the world, damaging it, or simply occupying space. I do not  know where I want to go to college.

See I am at a crossroad. I am stuck between what my parents want and what I want. Which is more important? If I go with what I want I will be disappointing my parents because they do not want me to go away (hispanic families and their being family oriented beliefs. See if I do go I would be doing what I want to do and my parents will soon be okay with it. But what if its the wrong the decision, than I’ll have to leave what I once thought was right and return to a whole bunch of I told you so’s. If I stay I would be able to be with my family and possibly have less cost (all depends on the financial package) but I would be smuthered. When will I grow up? If I go away to college I coud learn to be independant while also being assured things, like always having a place to sleep and always having something to eat while adapting to the challenges of respinsibility. But if I do stay I would be stuck and when it is time to move into a life consumed of me being independant than  I would be lost and it would be risky. It would be like standing on a cliff in darkness, constantly trying to recover a balance. I dont know.

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2 thoughts on “The art of not knowing

  1. stormy1812 says:

    you are really young but the fact you’re already asking these questions puts you ahead of the game, at least how i see it, because you’ll start answering them sooner, unlike myself. i barely started asking those questions later and answering them is harder now. one thing you may keep in mind is that there is a way to compromise on some things – like college – maybe go to a school thats still in state but far enough way to spread your wings. if there isn’t a middle ground, do pro/con lists and decide which option has the most pros for you. gaining that independence and freedom is a big thing and often is worth the risks that you take. while most times, calculating your risks is a good thing, sometimes you just have to take things head on and not calculate so much. i spent too much time calculating too much and now i wish i had lived more. you’re young enough to be able to do more. definitely have faith in yourself, you’ve brought yourself this far and you seem to be doing well – that’s a good sign. some more good news – you don’t have to have all the answers right now – you will discover them as you go along. i worry about my blog too but as cliche as it is to say, if things were easy, we wouldn’t value them as much. so keep on truckin’ as they say… you’ll find your answers soon enough. 🙂

    Like

    • jamerly says:

      Thank You the pros and cons is a really good idea. I am going to do that. Hopefully I find the answera and I find later on that I have made the correct decision.

      Like

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