Today I am lost. I do not know what to write about. I do not know what might get people to read my blog. I do not know whether I am good enough. I do not know what people might find interest with my life. I do not know whether I have lived enough to share anything. I do not know whether or not in this moment I am being vulnerable or realistic. I do not know.
Sometimes I think I know and realize I dont. I do not know what I truely believe in or whether I have faith. I do not know if I am helping the world, damaging it, or simply occupying space. I do not know where I want to go to college.
See I am at a crossroad. I am stuck between what my parents want and what I want. Which is more important? If I go with what I want I will be disappointing my parents because they do not want me to go away (hispanic families and their being family oriented beliefs. See if I do go I would be doing what I want to do and my parents will soon be okay with it. But what if its the wrong the decision, than I’ll have to leave what I once thought was right and return to a whole bunch of I told you so’s. If I stay I would be able to be with my family and possibly have less cost (all depends on the financial package) but I would be smuthered. When will I grow up? If I go away to college I coud learn to be independant while also being assured things, like always having a place to sleep and always having something to eat while adapting to the challenges of respinsibility. But if I do stay I would be stuck and when it is time to move into a life consumed of me being independant than I would be lost and it would be risky. It would be like standing on a cliff in darkness, constantly trying to recover a balance. I dont know.