The first chapter of my book Blue
I remember the last time I saw her. Her face was glowing and she was 2 months away from having her baby. She was so excited and pleased to find out that she was going to be a mother. She said that she never felt as prepared for the baby as she did that day. It was weird for her to feel her heart beat so powerfully, this was the first time in a long time that she had remembered what love was. I go back to the café every other day just to try to see her again. Her dark brown hair and her hazel brown eyes complemented her tan skin so perfectly. She finally got what she wanted she told me and she could not wait to see everything her baby was going to do with it. I never knew what she received that she so desperately wanted nor did I ask her to tell me. I thought it might ruin her moment. I just wished I would have known what has happened to her. I look up and all I can see is my reflection in the mirror where I know there are people analyzing me behind it. The walls are painted grey and the desk I am sitting at is as cold as ice, it too is grey. It’s a big depressing room, no wonder there are so many confessions done here. I would confess what I know too, only these cops are not priest and their chief is not God. So when they come in I do have a smile on my face. You’d think they would be smarter with their actions since they do have to control the place. They prance around like I am supposed to be intimidated but I am not. Though they may hold a badge and a gun, I hold a heart and the truth that no one will ever know. That’s why when he comes in I refuse to be truthful; I mean it is not like I am under oath in this nasty old grey room.
He comes in with his hand on his gun and I pretend to be scared. He says he can read people easily and he tells me to put down the fake personality of the innocent and scared. What he does not know is that I can see behind his goofy cop uniform and his blue eyes. Most girls will sink into them and his eyes would remind them of a free place like the ocean and the sky. None of the girls stop to think that both these aspects of nature are practically endless, the only time that it may seem to stop is if you are right in front of it, looking down to where the sand meets the ocean or right above to when the sky softly touches the horizon. So excuse me if I don’t give into his goofy uniform and his eyes of bullshit which are endless. And yes he is tan with big muscles, a guy most girls will fall for but I do not. All of these things rush to my mind before he even takes another step. It is as if I can stop time, to bad this development of my mind came after the moment I needed it most. And he truly thinks he has me all figured out.
“I know what you pretend to be.” He says to me placing his hands on my temporary table as he leans forward to my face.
“ Really? So tell me who I am, Billy.” He looks confused. I point to his name tag on his shirt and he smirks and looks at me expecting me to at least smile but when he realizes I do not he looks down and looks up again with a straight face.
“Most girls would have at least smiled.”
“I am not most girls.”
“Really? So who are you?”
This time I do smile. “I thought you knew who I was, oh right you just knew who I was pretending to be.”
“That’s good for now.”
“You better go and try to find some evidence because you don’t have much time. You have 48 hours left and then I get to go, free.”
“I won’t let that happen.” He says looking intensely into my eyes.
“Good. I wouldn’t want you to. You know it’s not really ideal to let murderers out. They just might kill somebody.” I smirk as he picks up my sarcasm and plays along.
“Thank goodness we have you.”
“That’s where you are wrong. I am not a murderer. You have the wrong person.”
“No. We have the right person, just not in the right state of mind.”
“I am always in the right state of mind. I think it is you who is not. See people like you who depend on their looks Billy, they do not get very far because looks don’t last long. You think you can pull any girl with your deep blue eyes, and your big tan muscles. Well you cant. I feel bad for your father who I am sure is disappointed that your mother is proud of you. He probably looks down on you thinking that you are a tool. And the worst part is that you are. So go on and cry to your mother so that she can tell you to just get another girl to have sex with so that you could feel better. Little does she know that that does not help you at all. It just makes matters worse because poor little Billy is not really into girls. And that is why your father is disappointed in your mom. He fell in love with her because she could see through all the bullshit, and she sees this too but she has not yet captivated the strength to accept it so that you can. She prays to him that one day you will change, she thinks that being gay is a disease and one day you will be cured. Your dad responds to her in her dreams, but she keeps it to herself. I do not yet know what he says, but when I do I won’t bother to tell you”
I see his eyes filled with tears. I take my hand and wipe them away; I look into his eyes and mouth to him that I love him. He looks at me and mouths that he loves me too; he pulls out his hands and places it where my heart is, out loud says, “It’s so cold I can’t even feel its pulse.” I look at him and now I am the one tearing. Even though the director calls out cut, we have already been in reality before he even said anything. We stare at each other and once again the world stops, I dismiss the people running around getting ready for the next scene as he pulls his hands away. When his hand is gone and his body disappears all I can think of is how perfectly these characters suit the both of us. In reality, I am a girl who is searching for her mom’s murderer, and although she has not found him yet and feels as if the police are not helping she is starting to find someone else, herself. Her friend that plays Billy, his name is Tom. Tom is a gay guy living in New York City, his parents don’t know he is gay and he tries to cover it up each time. It’s like he actually has two acting jobs, one where he is actually getting paid on stage with me and another when he is home with his parents.
I walk off the stage and everyone congratulates me on my amazing acting skills. I am asked by my director to do a few interviews. I say no, even though I am good at acting, I only do it because it distracts me from my own problems. I do not see it as my career and I know my mom would not want that for me either. She would want me doing something more stable. I still haven’t even graduated from college yet; I have 3 years left to achieve my master’s degree. I tell him I am not interested but he insists, he tells me I have to or I will lose my role in the play. I go because I know he is serious. I have seen him do it before.
Everyone in the audience appear to me as blurs, except for one man. I think I have seen him before but I do not know from where. I know he has not been to any of the plays because he has a blue tag which categorizes him as a new comer. He looks interested in me as he makes his way towards me. I close my eyes for a quick second and hear his footsteps coming closer and closer. They sound like drums in my ear while the rest of the room is silent. I open my eyes and see trouble in his, he is raising his hand towards my face with a white cloth in his hands, before I can try to do anything I am already faintly falling in deep sleep.
I hear them talking but I cannot make up the words. I take a look back to see how I got here; I do not remember so many people. Although I cannot see them because my eyes are blindfolded I can hear them. I feel my legs and hands tied with a thick type of cloth. I feel the road on my back and a lot of bumps as my head goes up and down. I hear other cars come by us but I know help is nowhere near. Before I can get further reasoning I fall back under the deep sleep.
I am finally awoken with ice cold water over my head. I start shivering instantly and they yell at me to stop. They take off my blindfold and I look into their eyes to see if they look familiar since it is the only thing I can see. The rest of their faces are covered with black masks. I do not remember their eyes from anywhere and I cannot seem to find those eyes that I partially acknowledged back at the scene. I start to notice that I resemble weakness and in this situation I shouldn’t. I am unable to feel any other type of feeling. I try to be strong or brave but I cannot come across those characteristics. I start shivering again but not because I am cold, but because I am scared out of my mind. I start to wonder what these people might do with me or what they might want from me. I realize I have nothing and no one. I am unwealthy and the only thing that I get is from my acting job and that’s barely enough to buy food and pay rent since it is a small production. My mother was the only person I had left, and she was taken away from me. I look up and try to see what is around me but again my vision goes blurry and I see someone coming towards me. I know it is him, if only I could remember. He is close enough to start speaking to me, and he says, “I know who you are, not who you pretend to be, but who you are.” That’s when I start forgetting about being scared and start getting mad. I remember his voice, but from where? If he knows who I am that means he has to know all of it. Not just where I grew up, or who I talked to but what I did. That’s when I remember, not even Tom knows what I did. He starts his sentence. “I killed…” I know what he’s about to say next but I fall into deep sleep again before I can hear it coming from his mouth.
Drawing credit to Juan De La Cruz (my brother)